How To Be Romantic

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I can’t imagine how many books and blogs have already been written about this topic. Maybe you’ve read some of them or maybe this is the first time the question of “how to be romantic” has popped into your head.

Having perused books, advice columns and blogs on this topic I will say that I have found that most of these works simply provide readers with tricks on how to appear romantic however they don’t answer the real question of how to be romantic. Having actually written a guide on romantic love I can understand why writers or creators of content have struggled with this topic. “Romantic” is actually something that is hard to understand, and certainly harder to learn, when you are not of the romantic culture. Keep in mind that romantic isn’t just something you do, it’s actually the product of an existing culture, the romantic culture.

The concept of “romantic” is sort of an enigma

The whole idea of “romantic” or “how to be romantic” is sort of a mysterious to us. The concept is something of an enigma yet at the same time “romantic” is a bit of a nebulous and undefinable word. It’s nebulous for good reason, if you read my book, you’ll learn why this is.

Since this concept is so nebulous it’s better to try to understand it using a more relatable and simplified example. Better yet let’s use an example that will also help you to put yourself in the woman’s shoes in order to better understand this otherwise nebulous concept. By putting yourself in her shoes you will not only be able to better understand things from her perspective, but you’ll hopefully also experience the sort of enlightenment that then enables you to really “get it” to the point that you will be able to find answers to your own “romantic” questions in the future.

What we can learn from the father-son relationship

Let’s compare “how to be romantic” with “how to be a good father”. Both concepts deal with primal, close relationships between two people who have a special bond. I’ll also use this example since the father-child relationship is one which men often also struggle with.

Now I’m assuming that most of you reading this are not women, however all of you have been children at some point and have had a father present (or not present) in your life. Any one of you out there can give an opinion on the subject based on your experience with this relationship dynamic or based on what you would have desired your relationship dynamic to would have been. As a child you were on the receiving end of this relationship dynamic just like the woman is on the receiving end of the “romantic” relationship dynamic. So to simplify things let’s make woman synonymous with son in this example.

Let’s consider this example

Now let’s say that as son of a father you come across a blog that gives advice on how to be a good father. Like so many other advice blogs on “being romantic” this blog will also conveniently oversimplify the father-child relationship in order to provide the reader with a concise and satisfying article on the topic.

Like so many other blogs out there this blog provides its father-audience with an efficient 5 point checklist on “how to be a good father”. This check list advises the father to take his son out to ball games or sporting events. It suggests that father and son find a hobby to do together. It advises the father to give his son an allowance so that he can go out and have fun on his own too and remember that his father sponsored such fun. And so on and so on. Hypothetically on the basis of this 5 point, or however many points, checklist the father will be able to “become a good father” in the eyes of his son. This is in the same way that you come to believe that by doing certain “romantic” things you will become “romantic” in her eyes.

Now as the son, what would you think of this article? Hopefully you would think that yes those are nice things to do for or with your son, however there’s more to being a good father and having a good relationship with him than just having fun times here and there.

And then what if you’re a nerd who doesn’t like going to ball games or sporting events, what then? Suddenly some of this advice in the 5 point check list doesn’t apply to your father-son relationship. For this same reason neither I nor anyone else can give you specific ideas as to what would be good romantic gestures in order to “be romantic” with your significant other. That’s something you come to figure out by getting to know your partner well.

Being a good father takes daily work, and so does being romantic

Any of us knows that to for a man to become a truly good father it requires daily work and not just good times or special gestures once in a while. A father who’s relationship efforts with his son are sporadic is not going to be thought of as a good father. His intentions are going to seem confusing. I mean if he really wanted to be a good father and win your heart over surely he would invest more than just easy gestures once in a while. His sporadic efforts will merely cause him to seem somewhat distant and effectively not very loving. So when his gestures are given in the context of this almost non-existent relationship those gestures have a way of losing their meaning or certainly they don’t help to build on a relationship that doesn’t really exist.

I’m sure that there are men out there whose fathers were not exactly “good fathers”. Consequently these men end up having the same kind of absent, yet periodically gesturing, sort of relationship with their future significant other since this is the only relationship dynamic they really understand. The man might know where his father went wrong, or at least he could figure it out if he were pressed to do so, however despite this the man will be at a loss when trying to determine how it is that he is going wrong in his relationship with his significant. Like his relationship with his father, his relationship with his significant other becomes a relationship that is merely just going through the motions; it’s an effectively dead relationship that tries to liven itself up here and there by way of sporadic, yet ultimately meaningless, “romantic” gestures.

Like any other structure a relationship is built

In my book I talk about how relationships are built brick by brick, effort by effort. They are built in the same way that anything else is built. They are not built by way of sporadic efforts here and there. They are built by small efforts that are mortared together, all joined together in order to build a cohesive and whole structure.

A father becomes a good father by way of small gestures that are designed to be part of a whole. Like an architect he imagines in his mind what that “whole” is. This whole should be a trusting relationship that’ll enable him to become a part of his son’s life, to advise him, to help him in forming his character, to be his support in order to help him through the hard times. While a man’s relationship with a woman differs in certain key important aspects there are many aspects in which it is the same since fundamentally they are both relationships that are unique in that they are trusting relationships. The man then gets onto the work of building these relationships one day at a time. As I said, brick by brick, small effort by small effort he works every day. He doesn’t allow himself to be discouraged or get impatient with his progress, or lack thereof. He just continues to works, nose to the grindstone, keeping in mind as he works the structure which he envisions.

More often than not the problem in this process is not the building aspect, it’s that men simply don’t envision their relationships at all and they don’t seem to know that they are a form of structure in themselves, requiring the process and the work that is building. Out of ignorance or laziness men be content to sleep on a bed of dirt for the rest of his life, rather than do the work of envisioning a structure that they can build on the dirt, a structure which will one day bring him warmth and comfort, because that is what loving relationship bring in our lives.

A gesture is only romantic in the context of a good relationship

When it comes to being romantic it isn’t a “romantic” gestures that make your relationship romantic or that makes the gesture itself romantic. A gesture given in the context of good and loving relationship becomes romantic. Truly romantic gifts are “romantic” because they are infused with romantic– no gift is inherently romantic in other words. I was even once given a flower that was picked from a tree and in the context of who gave it to me and how it was given I saw it as so special and so romantic that I kept the flower for years. It was the most romantic thing ever given to me. It was a very simple gift given in a very simple way, but because it was such a personal expression of how he felt for me it came to have a lot of meaning to me. Expression is a big part of being truly romantic as an expressive gesture is truly romantic. Generic or even creative “romantic” gestures are rarely a form of expression, they’re just gestures like actions, so because they express nothing and carry no meaning they are not actually romantic. They’re just a treat or a bone being thrown at the woman to give her a sense of momentary pleasure; the effect of a truly romantic gift is not “momentary” it’s perpetual.

<2>Why men struggle to be good fathers or to be romantic

Men will often fail in these two forms of relationships because they don’t know how to love or because they don’t how to express love. That’s where the romantic culture steps in. Because it is a culture that cultivates love it is a culture that yields people who know how to love and who know how to express love, and who can therefore build loving relationships. The American culture on the other hand is notorious for being a culture of materialism and competition, two things that are an antithesis to a culture of love. Other cultures will cultivate materialism or tradition, but again they will not be cultures that cultivate love.

There is no romance where there is no real love

Keep in mind that without a love component your “romantic” efforts become nothing more than a façade or a conniving attempt at merely trying to appear romantic in the same way that taking your son out to a game once a month, or even once a week, is an attempt at merely trying to appear as if you are a good father.

Beware of the woman who demands gifts and other types of materialistic gestures in order for you to “prove” your love for her. Women like these are whores because like whores they are willing to trade “love” for something material in return. A woman who really loves you and desires your love will want to see gestures of love on your part, and it is those gestures which she will deem romantic. Overly pragmatic, materialistic women have no understanding nor do they have any real appreciation for love and for truly romantic gestures, so I wouldn’t bother trying to be romantic with them. Like a dog, if you throw them a bone once in a while they’ll be happy.

Truly romantic gifts are given every day by way of the simple gestures that make up the bricks and mortar of your relationship. I expand more on these gestures, as well as other essential topics, in my ebook Guide to Romantic Love (which is free to download by the way). It is these gestures, along with the grand masterpiece that becomes your romantic relationship with her, that will ultimately make you, along with the smallest of your gestures, truly “romantic” in her eyes.

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